Infidelity is defined as "1. marital disloyalty; adultery. 2. unfaithfulness; disloyalty. "

Infidelity. Cheating. Having an affair. Adultery. Unfaithfulness. No matter what you choose to call it, the ramifications that it has on a relationship remains the same.

With all the issues that are inevitable in a relationship between 2 people, cheating is probably the worst that you could have to deal with; however, in the age of the internet, cell phones, and text messaging, the actual physical act of cheating is not the only way that a person can be unfaithful to his or her spouse or significant other. I am choosing to talk about the new ways of cheating, hereafter referred to as "emotional affairs".

An emotional affair generally starts innocently enough as a friendship. Through investing emotional energy and time with one another outside the relationship, the former platonic friendship can begin to form a strong emotional bond which hurts the intimacy of the relationship. While there are those who believe that an emotional affair is harmless, most marriage experts view an emotional affair as cheating without having a sexual relationship.

The following is a list of the "warning signs" of an emotional affair that I have compiled from a few sites.

    1. You are withdrawing from your spouse. 
    2. You are preoccupied and daydream about your friend more and more.
    3. You are not interested in being intimate with your spouse, either emotionally or sexually.
    4. The amount of time you and your spouse spend together is less.
    5. When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, "We're just friends."
    6. You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again. Alone time together is important to you.
    7. You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse.
    8. Your friend seems to understand you better than your spouse does.
    9. You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse.

Once you're drawn into an emotional affair, it can feel so good that you don't want to stop. In fact, not having sex may make the connection seem all the more powerful. It feels genuine, romantic even, and isn't easy to let go of because it's so "safe" — or so it appears. But inevitably, you start unfairly comparing your mate to this other person, which compounds the damage. You don't have the stresses of everyday life together, so the new person can be very humorous, very cute, and very giving. You go back to your mate and you're comparing them  to this "friend" in pieces: He'll never be as handsome as this guy or as funny as this guy or as giving as this guy.

The two individuals involved in the emotional affair may have been casual friends or co-workers to start with. Or they may have met online in a chat room. At some point, they started confiding feelings and personal details about themselves, their partners, and their relationships that their mate would have seen as a violation of trust. And that was the first danger signal that indicated trouble ahead.

The second danger indicator was when they started sharing more with the “friend” than with their mate and depending on the “friend” for their primary emotional support. At some point, they began to feel that the “friend” understood them better than their own mate did and was easier to communicate with. They felt a sense of companionship with the “friend” that was lacking with their mate.

The third red flag indicating danger ahead was when they began keeping their conversations and the frequency of contact secret from their mate. This is a definite danger sign. Both individuals knew that their mates would be upset if they knew the extent of the contact, the depth of the emotional connection, and the intimate subjects being routinely discussed.

The bottom line to this is that deception is deception. A lie is a lie. If this person is a friend, then why is their identity or existance hidden from your mate? A relationship with friends that the other person doesn't know about is already in danger. Add to this danger sexual tension, and inappropriate conversations, and you are ASKING for a disaster. So how do you deal with it?

The first thing to remember, just like physical infidelity, is that it has NOTHING to do with YOU as a person. It isn't personal. There is probably nothing that you can do differently or change about yourself that will make your mate stop what they are doing.

The lines of communication in yoru relationship have to be opened back up. As I have stated before, both in blogs and on the show, your mate has to be your best friend. You should be able to talk to your mate about anything, and they should be able to listen without being judgemental.

The person guilty of the emotional affair must be willing to end it. If they are not  willing or able to put the time and energy that they have put into their "friend" back into their relationship, then there is no reason to even try to continue the relationship. There are probably deeper issues that need to be dealt with.

Emotional affairs hurt just as much, if not more, than physical affairs. They destroy the levels of trust just like a physical affair does. Sometimes, these emotional affairs are harder to deal with and get over than a real sexual affair. The biggest thing that I want everyone to remember is that they are real, and they are damaging, and if you are having one, you are hurting the person that you love.